Thursday Thoughts – Defeating Feelings

That awful, all encompassing feeling of DEFEAT…

And bear with me here… y’all know that’s not my default setting, but in all honesty, today has been one of THE most defeating days I’ve had in the 8+ years I’ve been riding this roller coaster called Diabetes.

And I know – I totally know – that things aren’t just about a number, but the one I got today hit me in all the raw, vulnerable spots, and I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t say honestly that my A1c bloodwork today hurt my heart and took a little wind out of my sails. Actually, all the wind out of my sails.

My last bloodwork the end of 2017 had me at 7.5 and I knew some of that was as a result of the emotional trauma associated with things that were happening at that time in my life, because we all know stress management plays a HUGE role in Diabetes, but today…

Today, after 7 months of hard work healing and being gentle with myself, after months of workouts and mostly sensible eating, and after 3 strong weeks of a full body cleanse, I expected all of those efforts would help normalize my numbers.

In my head, I knew all of these efforts are fantastic and were helping my numbers go down, it was just a matter of how much they’d go down… right?

So when today’s numbers not only weren’t down, but were UP, I lost it. I fought like hell to keep the tears from coming, but they flew down my cheeks as I sat begging my doctor to tell me what else I could possibly DO. And then I sobbed post appointment as I sat in my car trying to gather my composure. And I’ve cried on and off all day.

And while I’m NOT defeated, I do feel that way at this current moment.

And so I’m allowing myself my pity party today and tomorrow I’ll get back to fighting the good fight, but man, I want answers and to feel like my efforts are MATTERING, because for them to have seemingly NO bearing on my health is truly painful.

So to start, I’m armed with some new hardware for two weeks that should hopefully (you’ll understand if I’m too scared to get my hopes up, right?) provide us with some answers and give me a course of action.

I’m fit; I workout. I don’t eat perfectly, but we are sensible and strike a great balance. I chug water like it’s my job, I Tap and receive acupuncture to manage my stress and emotions, I rarely drink, and I still take meds, so in all honesty yes, I am frustrated.

I feel defeated; discouraged. It won’t cause me to give up on myself, but I would love some answers as to why my numbers reflect that of someone making NO effort.

Positive vibes welcomed

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